Passing MTF

Dear Blog,

So today i've passed. And by passed, I mean fully passed, as a girl.

Ok so i'll backtrack a bit and set the scene. I was in my friend's bedroom getting ready for a nightout. Now, he knows about my issue with gender, and how I want to change my body so that I can live as a girl.

Katy Perry was booming out from the iPod docking station, "teenage dream", I was brushing my wig and singing along out of tune, whilst GayBestFriend (that's his name, just for anonymity's sake) was plastering himself in foundation and concealor (he has pretty bad skin, but he is amazing at make-up). I had just finished my skin foundation and was moving onto my eyes, running the eyeliner pencil across the rims of my eyes, and was just mixing eyeshadows to get the right shade, and I was sat there feeling pretty dysphoric inside thinking to myself; "well what's even the point of getting ready if at the end of the day i'm still going to look like a guy..."

I pushed my feelings aside, I had a party to go to, I wanted to be happy and have fun, life is too short to sit around and cry into a bad wig. I finished my makeup and put my wig on, adjusting the tightness slightly so it wouldn't fall off while I was dancing. I sat down again at the vanity case and stared at myself for a bit in the bright bulb-lit mirror. I looked pretty good, more than good actually, I mean, not stunning, but attractive, for once. I felt fully feminine, and I felt... right.

I put on the rest of my jewelry and picked up my clutch, and asked GayBestFriend "You ready to hit the town love?"

"Oh my God..." He replied, looking me up and down.

"What?"

"You look seriously good, you're so convincing".

I lit up like a firework, I was so happy to get such a nice compliment. GayBestFriend is usually brutally honest, it's one of his best and worst traits, but I love him for his honesty, if you want to know if you look good or not, he's the perfect person to ask, he's more honest than a mirror.

So, feeling happy as a clam we set off, we got into AfroGuy's (GayBestFriend's ex from ages ago but now a really good friend) and went to the party. The party was my friend BlondeGirl's girlfriend's party, but the girlfriend is an aspiring singer, so BlondeGirl wanted me to bring a few more people along to makeup the numbers, because BlondeGirlsBoyfriend wanted a large crowd.

We got there, from the outside it looked like a typical nightclub, bouncer at the door, asking to see our invites, GayBestFriend needed AfroGuy to drive him back quickly because he forgot his invite, but he told me to go in without me, and that they'd meet us in later, I agreed reluctantly (I hate going into parties alone, i'm super introverted sometimes) and went inside.

Inside it was a mixture of Scene girls and Hipsters, I kept my head down a bit, my brown hair falling infront of my face. I was so nervous. I really didn't want to be 'read' by anyone.

I went to the bar and got a Coke, I've never really liked alcohol, plus I hate the feeling of getting drunk, and I figured the sugar would calm my nerves a bit. Then I realised something. The barman used female pronouns when he gave me the drink, saying "Here you go miss". Was he just being nice? Or was I truly passing?

Eventually AfroGuy and GayBestFriend turned up and we danced for a bit, socialised, and surprisingly I hadn't been read yet (I'd been practising a female voice and mannerisms the day before).

That's when He turned up. CuteGuy. I was dancing like a fool, when I caught his eye. He was so attractive. Really tall about 6'4'', blue eyes, tawny blonde hair and slightly tanned skin, the colour of toffee popcorn. He asked me if I wanted to dance with him, I nodded perhaps a bit too eagerly.

We started dancing, he'd obviously had a bit to drink judging by his wobbliness, but not an unsociable amount. After about half hour dancing we both went outside for some air.

"So what's your name beautiful?" He asked, smiling impishly. He was standing close to me, looking down at me as i'm a bit of a shrimp.

"Ruby" I said fiddling with my hair. Please don't read me. Please don't read me. Please don't read me.

"Cute name. Are you free to hang out sometime?"

"Yeah... i'm on my holidays now so i'm pretty much free everyday, not that i'm boring or anything, but you know, lots of spare time haha". I ended up turning into a dribbling mess, I never do well talking to cute guys.

"You're adorable. I tell you what, pass me your phone a sec." I passed him my bright pink Nokia and he carried on speaking "there. It's got my number in it. Give me a text sometime. I have to go but please text me." We parted ways and after a night of smiling and feeling happy with myself I went home.

We did text, and now I have a "date" kind of thing on monday. Awkward thing is, I don't think CuteGuy knows that i'm trans. Help?

From,

ConfusedGirl17