Dear Blog,
So today i've passed. And by passed, I mean fully passed, as a girl.
Ok so i'll backtrack a bit and set the scene. I was in my friend's bedroom getting ready for a nightout. Now, he knows about my issue with gender, and how I want to change my body so that I can live as a girl.
Katy Perry was booming out from the iPod docking station, "teenage dream", I was brushing my wig and singing along out of tune, whilst GayBestFriend (that's his name, just for anonymity's sake) was plastering himself in foundation and concealor (he has pretty bad skin, but he is amazing at make-up). I had just finished my skin foundation and was moving onto my eyes, running the eyeliner pencil across the rims of my eyes, and was just mixing eyeshadows to get the right shade, and I was sat there feeling pretty dysphoric inside thinking to myself; "well what's even the point of getting ready if at the end of the day i'm still going to look like a guy..."
I pushed my feelings aside, I had a party to go to, I wanted to be happy and have fun, life is too short to sit around and cry into a bad wig. I finished my makeup and put my wig on, adjusting the tightness slightly so it wouldn't fall off while I was dancing. I sat down again at the vanity case and stared at myself for a bit in the bright bulb-lit mirror. I looked pretty good, more than good actually, I mean, not stunning, but attractive, for once. I felt fully feminine, and I felt... right.
I put on the rest of my jewelry and picked up my clutch, and asked GayBestFriend "You ready to hit the town love?"
"Oh my God..." He replied, looking me up and down.
"What?"
"You look seriously good, you're so convincing".
I lit up like a firework, I was so happy to get such a nice compliment. GayBestFriend is usually brutally honest, it's one of his best and worst traits, but I love him for his honesty, if you want to know if you look good or not, he's the perfect person to ask, he's more honest than a mirror.
So, feeling happy as a clam we set off, we got into AfroGuy's (GayBestFriend's ex from ages ago but now a really good friend) and went to the party. The party was my friend BlondeGirl's girlfriend's party, but the girlfriend is an aspiring singer, so BlondeGirl wanted me to bring a few more people along to makeup the numbers, because BlondeGirlsBoyfriend wanted a large crowd.
We got there, from the outside it looked like a typical nightclub, bouncer at the door, asking to see our invites, GayBestFriend needed AfroGuy to drive him back quickly because he forgot his invite, but he told me to go in without me, and that they'd meet us in later, I agreed reluctantly (I hate going into parties alone, i'm super introverted sometimes) and went inside.
Inside it was a mixture of Scene girls and Hipsters, I kept my head down a bit, my brown hair falling infront of my face. I was so nervous. I really didn't want to be 'read' by anyone.
I went to the bar and got a Coke, I've never really liked alcohol, plus I hate the feeling of getting drunk, and I figured the sugar would calm my nerves a bit. Then I realised something. The barman used female pronouns when he gave me the drink, saying "Here you go miss". Was he just being nice? Or was I truly passing?
Eventually AfroGuy and GayBestFriend turned up and we danced for a bit, socialised, and surprisingly I hadn't been read yet (I'd been practising a female voice and mannerisms the day before).
That's when He turned up. CuteGuy. I was dancing like a fool, when I caught his eye. He was so attractive. Really tall about 6'4'', blue eyes, tawny blonde hair and slightly tanned skin, the colour of toffee popcorn. He asked me if I wanted to dance with him, I nodded perhaps a bit too eagerly.
We started dancing, he'd obviously had a bit to drink judging by his wobbliness, but not an unsociable amount. After about half hour dancing we both went outside for some air.
"So what's your name beautiful?" He asked, smiling impishly. He was standing close to me, looking down at me as i'm a bit of a shrimp.
"Ruby" I said fiddling with my hair. Please don't read me. Please don't read me. Please don't read me.
"Cute name. Are you free to hang out sometime?"
"Yeah... i'm on my holidays now so i'm pretty much free everyday, not that i'm boring or anything, but you know, lots of spare time haha". I ended up turning into a dribbling mess, I never do well talking to cute guys.
"You're adorable. I tell you what, pass me your phone a sec." I passed him my bright pink Nokia and he carried on speaking "there. It's got my number in it. Give me a text sometime. I have to go but please text me." We parted ways and after a night of smiling and feeling happy with myself I went home.
We did text, and now I have a "date" kind of thing on monday. Awkward thing is, I don't think CuteGuy knows that i'm trans. Help?
From,
ConfusedGirl17
Friday 22 March 2013
Tuesday 12 March 2013
Self-loathing
Dear Blog,
Today gender dysphoria hit me again like a tonne of bricks. I hate the way it keeps coming and going, it creates a sickening see-saw effects where I don't know when i'm next going to be crippled by it.
I had the house to myself after high school for several hours. I quickly ran upstairs and prepped my face for make-up (dressing while i'm alone is like a type of therapy for me lately, it makes me feel better). I changed into simplistic clothing, a tight-fitting 3/4 length sleeve top with black sequins, skinny blue jean, and my brown wavy wig. I spent the best part of 40 minutes doing my make-up as it always takes a while to hide the masculinity...
But today dressing just didn't help me, well not as much as it usually does. I stepped back and looked at myself in the floor length mirror and I just hated myself. Hate might be a strong word. I don't hate myself, I just hate my body. It all feels like some cruel sadistic joke that i'm stuck like this whilst everyone else gets to be at least content with their physical sex.
I looked into the mirror, I looked passable, just, if I squinted I looked decent. But on closer inspection I could see all the imperfections; the slightly too-broad shoulders, the few inches too tall build, the nose, the forehead, the chin, the hands, the feet, the shadow peeking through under the foundation, the eyebrows (which no matter what I do still present a masculine vibe).
I just feel so... tired. It just takes so much effort to even feel barely content with myself. I'm so sick of going into high school every day looking so... masculine. I hate having lessons with other girls, where I can just see how perfect some of them are, especially compared to me. They could get any guy they wanted and i'm just stuck as I am.
It's days like these where I feel even lower and I think to myself; Why do I even bother? Even if I did look passable post-transition i'd still be unnattractive, i'd still be too big and broad, I'd never attract a guy, and even if I did it'd just be some fetishist who had a thing for transgirls, and even if he was a nice guy he might leave me if I told him the truth. I can't do anything to change having a Y chromosome, i'm reminded of that constantly in biology lessons.
I may put on a happy face, but it's only so people don't have to put up with how numb I feel, and how jealous I am.
Anyway i'm going to move onto happier topics, maybe i'll bake a cake tonight, or go internet shopping. Retail therapy always helps.
Anyway I must be off, I'll write more later on.
Love From
ConfusedGirl17
Today gender dysphoria hit me again like a tonne of bricks. I hate the way it keeps coming and going, it creates a sickening see-saw effects where I don't know when i'm next going to be crippled by it.
I had the house to myself after high school for several hours. I quickly ran upstairs and prepped my face for make-up (dressing while i'm alone is like a type of therapy for me lately, it makes me feel better). I changed into simplistic clothing, a tight-fitting 3/4 length sleeve top with black sequins, skinny blue jean, and my brown wavy wig. I spent the best part of 40 minutes doing my make-up as it always takes a while to hide the masculinity...
But today dressing just didn't help me, well not as much as it usually does. I stepped back and looked at myself in the floor length mirror and I just hated myself. Hate might be a strong word. I don't hate myself, I just hate my body. It all feels like some cruel sadistic joke that i'm stuck like this whilst everyone else gets to be at least content with their physical sex.
I looked into the mirror, I looked passable, just, if I squinted I looked decent. But on closer inspection I could see all the imperfections; the slightly too-broad shoulders, the few inches too tall build, the nose, the forehead, the chin, the hands, the feet, the shadow peeking through under the foundation, the eyebrows (which no matter what I do still present a masculine vibe).
I just feel so... tired. It just takes so much effort to even feel barely content with myself. I'm so sick of going into high school every day looking so... masculine. I hate having lessons with other girls, where I can just see how perfect some of them are, especially compared to me. They could get any guy they wanted and i'm just stuck as I am.
It's days like these where I feel even lower and I think to myself; Why do I even bother? Even if I did look passable post-transition i'd still be unnattractive, i'd still be too big and broad, I'd never attract a guy, and even if I did it'd just be some fetishist who had a thing for transgirls, and even if he was a nice guy he might leave me if I told him the truth. I can't do anything to change having a Y chromosome, i'm reminded of that constantly in biology lessons.
I may put on a happy face, but it's only so people don't have to put up with how numb I feel, and how jealous I am.
Anyway i'm going to move onto happier topics, maybe i'll bake a cake tonight, or go internet shopping. Retail therapy always helps.
Anyway I must be off, I'll write more later on.
Love From
ConfusedGirl17
Monday 11 March 2013
Delaying transitioning?
Dear Blog,
Ok, the title may be slightly incorrect, i'm not really delaying my transition, i'm just going to take it slow for a while. I've realised that it's so difficult for me to consider transitioning fully when i'm still in my last year of high school. Saw Palmetto as helped me somewhat, but it's really not enough, I want to have a woman's body, and the only way I can really accomplish that is through oestrogen, which I can't really access for another 5 months anyway.
I'll explain my situation; i'm currently living in the closet, except to a close friends, and i'm desperately using herbal alternatives to anti-androgens such as saw palmetto in order to reduce any further masculinisation my body might go through in the next few months. I say months because come september I will hopefully be off to Brighton and by then I will be able to 'transition' without parental interference (My parents are supportive in a lot of ways, but I think telling them i'm secretly a girl might just be a little too much for them to handle).
So. A couple months to go, and then I can start properly. In the mean time i'm trying to femme-up my appearance by buying androgynous clothes and shaving, as well as using saw palmetto.
But is this really enough? Can I cope with being "guyish" for almost half a year? Especially whilst everyone else is walking around perfectly happy with themselves.
Then again I suppose it doesn't matter what I look like lately, I've become a total social recluse in the run-up to exams. My exam results this january came out FAR better than expected with 3 A grades and one A* (for those who don't know, that's practically full marks in English A level exams), so i'm definitely going to university this year (unless I fall over and suffer a bad blow to the head which would cause me to fail my finals in the summer).
My phone's just buzzed. It's Chef. (Sigh).
"Hey Babe hope studying is going well <3 I miss you loads! xxx"
Shouldn't I really call and end to this relationship? How can I hold down a serious relationship and be true to someone when i'm not even true to myself?
I really need to sort this situation out. Should I come out? Or should I wait until i'm independant?
My one fear is what if. What if I suddenly grow 2-3 inches before I go to univesity? What if my feet and hands suddenly get bigger? What if I suddenly go bald? These are all genuine fears of mine and I have no idea how to tackle them.
Anyway I must be off, I have a stack of work and only 3 months until my finals.
Cheerio.
ConfusedGirl17
Ok, the title may be slightly incorrect, i'm not really delaying my transition, i'm just going to take it slow for a while. I've realised that it's so difficult for me to consider transitioning fully when i'm still in my last year of high school. Saw Palmetto as helped me somewhat, but it's really not enough, I want to have a woman's body, and the only way I can really accomplish that is through oestrogen, which I can't really access for another 5 months anyway.
I'll explain my situation; i'm currently living in the closet, except to a close friends, and i'm desperately using herbal alternatives to anti-androgens such as saw palmetto in order to reduce any further masculinisation my body might go through in the next few months. I say months because come september I will hopefully be off to Brighton and by then I will be able to 'transition' without parental interference (My parents are supportive in a lot of ways, but I think telling them i'm secretly a girl might just be a little too much for them to handle).
So. A couple months to go, and then I can start properly. In the mean time i'm trying to femme-up my appearance by buying androgynous clothes and shaving, as well as using saw palmetto.
But is this really enough? Can I cope with being "guyish" for almost half a year? Especially whilst everyone else is walking around perfectly happy with themselves.
Then again I suppose it doesn't matter what I look like lately, I've become a total social recluse in the run-up to exams. My exam results this january came out FAR better than expected with 3 A grades and one A* (for those who don't know, that's practically full marks in English A level exams), so i'm definitely going to university this year (unless I fall over and suffer a bad blow to the head which would cause me to fail my finals in the summer).
My phone's just buzzed. It's Chef. (Sigh).
"Hey Babe hope studying is going well <3 I miss you loads! xxx"
Shouldn't I really call and end to this relationship? How can I hold down a serious relationship and be true to someone when i'm not even true to myself?
I really need to sort this situation out. Should I come out? Or should I wait until i'm independant?
My one fear is what if. What if I suddenly grow 2-3 inches before I go to univesity? What if my feet and hands suddenly get bigger? What if I suddenly go bald? These are all genuine fears of mine and I have no idea how to tackle them.
Anyway I must be off, I have a stack of work and only 3 months until my finals.
Cheerio.
ConfusedGirl17
Tuesday 5 March 2013
The 4th date
Dear Diary,
Why, why, why does Chef have to be so perfect? It's by no means a bad thing, I adore every minute i'm with him, but it hurts me to realise that eventually this amazing relationship might just end up crashing and burning after I tell him the truth about how I feel. Does it make me a bad person that I haven't come out to him? Especially considering the fact i'm not even transitioning yet. Am I just using him for the perks of a relationship in order to satisfy my loneliness until I transition? I really hope i'm not that selfish, I really do care about, a lot, and I feel recently that i'm falling for him pretty quickly. If he was able to accept my transition then I would definitely stay with him, he's so sweet and caring.
Today we met in the city for lunch, which he paid for (I said I would pay but he insisted...), and afterwards we went shopping, and then to the cinema, and then finally he walked me to the bus and we said farewell. The date wasn't meant to last beyond lunch but he said he didn't want to leave me so soon, so we ended up spending the day together again. It's irritating that i'm caught in such a strange complex; he makes me feel really complete, and I know this is going to sound all new-age-ish and cheesy but he does feel like my soul mate (oh my days that sounds so premature after only 4 dates I hear you cry), if I could make a choice between transitioning or being with him, part of me wants to hold of transitioning just to maintain a relationship with Chef. But isn't that just continuing my age old cycle of ignoring the issue and letting it simmer away under the surface until it eventually bubbles out of control?
Sigh.
On the bright side the steps I am making towards transitioning are working well. Ever since i've been taking Saw Palmetto I don't look so "dug up". As I catch my reflection in the mirror my skin does look almost completely clear now (which is a very refreshing change... I used to suffer from acne for ages, and it's only recently gone since i've started SP), and if I lift up my fringe I can see new hairs sprouting where my hair had receded at the temples.
Oh I don't know what to do. Do I keep my amazing boyfriend by hiding the truth from him and attempting to not have to transition? Or do I try and tell him the truth and just hope that he'll accept who I am or by telling him the truth enable us both to be honest and find people better suited?
From
ConfusedGirl17
Why, why, why does Chef have to be so perfect? It's by no means a bad thing, I adore every minute i'm with him, but it hurts me to realise that eventually this amazing relationship might just end up crashing and burning after I tell him the truth about how I feel. Does it make me a bad person that I haven't come out to him? Especially considering the fact i'm not even transitioning yet. Am I just using him for the perks of a relationship in order to satisfy my loneliness until I transition? I really hope i'm not that selfish, I really do care about, a lot, and I feel recently that i'm falling for him pretty quickly. If he was able to accept my transition then I would definitely stay with him, he's so sweet and caring.
Today we met in the city for lunch, which he paid for (I said I would pay but he insisted...), and afterwards we went shopping, and then to the cinema, and then finally he walked me to the bus and we said farewell. The date wasn't meant to last beyond lunch but he said he didn't want to leave me so soon, so we ended up spending the day together again. It's irritating that i'm caught in such a strange complex; he makes me feel really complete, and I know this is going to sound all new-age-ish and cheesy but he does feel like my soul mate (oh my days that sounds so premature after only 4 dates I hear you cry), if I could make a choice between transitioning or being with him, part of me wants to hold of transitioning just to maintain a relationship with Chef. But isn't that just continuing my age old cycle of ignoring the issue and letting it simmer away under the surface until it eventually bubbles out of control?
Sigh.
On the bright side the steps I am making towards transitioning are working well. Ever since i've been taking Saw Palmetto I don't look so "dug up". As I catch my reflection in the mirror my skin does look almost completely clear now (which is a very refreshing change... I used to suffer from acne for ages, and it's only recently gone since i've started SP), and if I lift up my fringe I can see new hairs sprouting where my hair had receded at the temples.
Oh I don't know what to do. Do I keep my amazing boyfriend by hiding the truth from him and attempting to not have to transition? Or do I try and tell him the truth and just hope that he'll accept who I am or by telling him the truth enable us both to be honest and find people better suited?
From
ConfusedGirl17
Monday 4 March 2013
Transphobia
Dear Blog,
It's occurred to me recently how transphobia is much more common than homophobia. This is most probably due to the fact that so many people are completely ignorant of what it means to be transgendered, and that even in the gay community people are completely clueless of what the 'T' in 'LGBT' stands for, with many people believing it just accounts for cross-dressers.
While the UK and other western governments have done a lot to protect the rights of LGB citizens, i.e. education in schools, laws to protect them etc. etc. etc. There is still a lack of protection for transgendered individuals, and whilst homophobia is beginning to be tackled in most schools (even if it is mostly just lip service to the law) there is still open transphobia in schools and in the work place. I can remember when being faced with transphobia in the past I have often just been told to "tone [my] look down" or "act more like a guy". I find this terribly offensive and ignorant, you wouldn't tell a person of African origin to adopt clown make-up to tone their ethnicity down, or ask a woman who was a victim of sexual harrassment to try and adopt adrogyny or give up washing in order to put off possible attackers.
The problem with our culture at the minute is that people feel that the victim is partly to blame for being a victim of racism, sexism, homophobia and particularly transphobia. This idea of "tolerance" is irritating, I don't just want to be 'tolerated' and 'put up with' by people, I want to be accepted, I want to able to go into work, or walk down the streets and not receive ridiculing looks or comments by people.
Another issue is that in school there is a complete lack of education about homosexuality and transgenderism in the UK. I can remember having one lesson about homosexuality in school which featured a picture of two men holding hands and little explanation or education about the topic. Transgenderism isn't touched on at all in education, neither is definition about sex or gender.
To conclude we need to abandon this concept of just 'tolerating' minority groups and begin accepting people for how they are and teaching people from a young age about how people can be different but that at the end of the day we are all still human beings.
From
ConfusedGirl17
It's occurred to me recently how transphobia is much more common than homophobia. This is most probably due to the fact that so many people are completely ignorant of what it means to be transgendered, and that even in the gay community people are completely clueless of what the 'T' in 'LGBT' stands for, with many people believing it just accounts for cross-dressers.
While the UK and other western governments have done a lot to protect the rights of LGB citizens, i.e. education in schools, laws to protect them etc. etc. etc. There is still a lack of protection for transgendered individuals, and whilst homophobia is beginning to be tackled in most schools (even if it is mostly just lip service to the law) there is still open transphobia in schools and in the work place. I can remember when being faced with transphobia in the past I have often just been told to "tone [my] look down" or "act more like a guy". I find this terribly offensive and ignorant, you wouldn't tell a person of African origin to adopt clown make-up to tone their ethnicity down, or ask a woman who was a victim of sexual harrassment to try and adopt adrogyny or give up washing in order to put off possible attackers.
The problem with our culture at the minute is that people feel that the victim is partly to blame for being a victim of racism, sexism, homophobia and particularly transphobia. This idea of "tolerance" is irritating, I don't just want to be 'tolerated' and 'put up with' by people, I want to be accepted, I want to able to go into work, or walk down the streets and not receive ridiculing looks or comments by people.
Another issue is that in school there is a complete lack of education about homosexuality and transgenderism in the UK. I can remember having one lesson about homosexuality in school which featured a picture of two men holding hands and little explanation or education about the topic. Transgenderism isn't touched on at all in education, neither is definition about sex or gender.
To conclude we need to abandon this concept of just 'tolerating' minority groups and begin accepting people for how they are and teaching people from a young age about how people can be different but that at the end of the day we are all still human beings.
From
ConfusedGirl17
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