Delaying transitioning?

Dear Blog,

Ok, the title may be slightly incorrect, i'm not really delaying my transition, i'm just going to take it slow for a while. I've realised that it's so difficult for me to consider transitioning fully when i'm still in my last year of high school. Saw Palmetto as helped me somewhat, but it's really not enough, I want to have a woman's body, and the only way I can really accomplish that is through oestrogen, which I can't really access for another 5 months anyway.

I'll explain my situation; i'm currently living in the closet, except to a close friends, and i'm desperately using herbal alternatives to anti-androgens such as saw palmetto in order to reduce any further masculinisation my body might go through in the next few months. I say months because come september I will hopefully be off to Brighton and by then I will be able to 'transition' without parental interference (My parents are supportive in a lot of ways, but I think telling them i'm secretly a girl might just be a little too much for them to handle).

So. A couple months to go, and then I can start properly. In the mean time i'm trying to femme-up my appearance by buying androgynous clothes and shaving, as well as using saw palmetto.

But is this really enough? Can I cope with being "guyish" for almost half a year? Especially whilst everyone else is walking around perfectly happy with themselves.

Then again I suppose it doesn't matter what I look like lately, I've become a total social recluse in the run-up to exams. My exam results this january came out FAR better than expected with 3 A grades and one A* (for those who don't know, that's practically full marks in English A level exams), so i'm definitely going to university this year (unless I fall over and suffer a bad blow to the head which would cause me to fail my finals in the summer).

My phone's just buzzed. It's Chef. (Sigh).

"Hey Babe hope studying is going well <3 I miss you loads! xxx"

Shouldn't I really call and end to this relationship? How can I hold down a serious relationship and be true to someone when i'm not even true to myself?

I really need to sort this situation out. Should I come out? Or should I wait until i'm independant?

My one fear is what if. What if I suddenly grow 2-3 inches before I go to univesity? What if my feet and hands suddenly get bigger? What if I suddenly go bald? These are all genuine fears of mine and I have no idea how to tackle them.

Anyway I must be off, I have a stack of work and only 3 months until my finals.

Cheerio.

ConfusedGirl17