Dear Diary,
Whenever I go on the internet looking for stories about transpeople (particularly MTF transitions), I always come across huge long monologues about how gender dysphoria appears to be this constant drudgery that makes a person's life unbearable, and from what I have read, many of the stories depict gender dysphoria has an omnipresent mindset, i.e. the person always feels miserable about their gender.
This is where my dilemna occurs; I don't always feel gender dysphoric. By this I don't mean I ever want to be a boy, because I don't. What I mean is that for me, gender dysphoria isn't this huge dark cloud which engulfs my every waking moment. Some days I wake up and I hate who I see in the mirror, and I become desperate to transition. But some days I find that i'm not too bothered by how I am, i'm never 'happy' being a 'guy', but instead I adopt a more emotionally neutral perspective, and just get on with my day.
This in turn leads me to doubt myself, because i'm constantly thinking "Well what if i'm not really trans?" "I can't be trans because if I was trans i'd hate myself more" "Is transitioning really for me?". And so in turn this leads to me having a dark cloud of depression, albeit a different one to gender dysphoria, because I am being depressed about not being depressed enough about my situation. And that makes me feel more depressed because i'm depressed about not being depressed. (Reader please note the implied viscious cycle and repeated use of the word depressed... Sucks right?)
Another issue which plays on my mind is the concept of how long i've known. I made the realisation little over two years ago, which doesn't fill me with confidence when I read all these stories about transgendered individuals aparently realising they were transgender when they were fresh out of the womb. I know that sounds a bit of a nasty jibe and I don't mean it to be, but sometimes when one hears a story which holds such conviction that they have always constantly felt this way for years, one has a niggling doubt in ones head about whether or not the story is exaggerated in order to attract more interest from the reader.
Does it make me less of a woman just because i've taken a little longer to realise that I am a woman? (It took me until I was 7 before I could tie my laces... I've always been a bit slow on the uptake)
So, the rhetorical question I put forward is; do we have to hate ourselves and feel miserable constantly in order to prove to ourselves and know in ourselves that we are transgendered? Or can one be content with not completely despising ones self and instead allow oneself a day off in order to enjoy life rather than letting their gender identity engulf their being? And does one need to have had gender dysphoria as a lifelong companion before one can realise whether they truly are transgender?
From,
ConfusedGirl17
Wednesday 27 February 2013
Friday 22 February 2013
Saw Palmetto Side Effects
Dear Diary,
Before I started taking Saw Palmetto, I had done endless research on the internet about what to do for my hair problems (ok, for the record i'm not vain, but if no one really wants to go around looking like a potato). There were many people stating that Saw Palmetto only caused shedding and other horrible side effects, and that traditional tested medicine such as Propecia (Finasteride) was the way forward, and then there were others stating that Propecia caused sexual side effects and that Saw Palmetto was the way forward.
However,
I also noticed how those who were claiming that Saw Palmetto was harmful, tended to be people who had the exact same story about why they took propecia (i.e. Oh my friend Bob told me about it so I went down to the doctors and got some and hey all my hair grew back), which led me to suspect that these "experiences" were merely being drummed out by marketting teams. Whilst at the same time those who were sharing experiences with Saw Palmetto, tended to be people who were working for herbal remedies companies. So, this led me to become very frustrated as there wasn't any sources I could rely on. In the end I thought to myself, that Propecia was a costly drug which required a prescription, and I wouldn't be able to get it for at least a few more months until I hit 18 anyway, so it was useless to my current predicament, therefore I bought a huge supply of Saw Palmetto.
Anyway, the science behind MPB (Male pattern baldness), is that certain people, usually males, have hair follicles on their head which is susceptible to the bi-product of testosterone called DHT. This DHT will bind with the hair follicle and eventually cause the hairs it produces to shrink in size, and eventually the hair follicle will become inactive and stop produing hairs. What drugs such as Saw Palmetto, Propecia etc do is they inhibit DHT production in the body. Hurray I hear you cheer. However, this isn't a miracle cure for hair loss because DHT is used in the body for other functions, such as maintaining a healthy libido, and digestive health. Therefore drugs such as propecia and SP tend to effect people differently, some people can cope with having lower DHT levels in the body, whereas some people cannot.
However, from my personal experience the experience my friends have had, a lot of these stories are over exaggerated, also drugs such as Finasteride and Saw Palmetto only have adverse sexual side effects in 2% of cases.
Ok anyway; my experiences with Saw Palmetto:
I've been on Saw Palmetto for just under 2 weeks now, so perhaps it is a little early to state side effects in the long term, but i'll explain what's happened to me in the short term:
1.) Libido; I was one of the few people who had their libido affected by Saw Palmetto, however, the side effects aren't as drastic as people make them out to be. However, contrary to popular belief SP doesn't always lower libido, my libido increased somewhat on Saw Palmetto. I've always had a relatively low sex drive and since taking Saw Palmetto it has increased slightly, not hugely, but just moderately. It's not even that noticable a change.
2.) Skin. Now, another reason some people take SP is for acne, I've had pretty bad skin in the past, and since i've been taking SP my skin has cleared up significantly, this is probably the most noticable change i've had, as my skin feels a lot smoother and is very clear in appearance now.
3.) Hair. So far so good. My hair has stopped shedding (basically when I used to run my hands through my hair at least 5 or 6 hairs would come out, and now none come out), and I think there is some regrowth, but its too early to tell yet. My hair feels softer and less "dead" if that makes sense. I've combined SP with heat aversion (i.e. not blow drying) and using sensitive shampoos in order to promote regrowth.
4.) Mood. This one is difficult to explain. Basically i've always been someone who can get overly hyper and happy or a bit down at times, as we all can. I'm not bi-polar but i'm quite passionate emotionally. Anyway since i've taken SP my mood feels incredibly levelled out, I don't get as down as often, and overall I feel a lot calmer in myself.
5.) Nausea. In the first few days of taking SP I had a slight upset stomache as my body got used to it, but after 8 days that passed and i'm now back to normal.
6.) Tiredness. I think on SP I get more tired than I used to, however that could just be workload and I doubt SP has much to do with this.
Other than those listed I have had no other side effects from taking SP, I have no experience of Propecia so i'm not particularly able to comment on that, however from my personal experience SP is relatively cheap to buy, and easy to access. So if anyone is starting to have issues with hair loss I would definitely recommend it.
Love From,
ConfusedGirl17
Before I started taking Saw Palmetto, I had done endless research on the internet about what to do for my hair problems (ok, for the record i'm not vain, but if no one really wants to go around looking like a potato). There were many people stating that Saw Palmetto only caused shedding and other horrible side effects, and that traditional tested medicine such as Propecia (Finasteride) was the way forward, and then there were others stating that Propecia caused sexual side effects and that Saw Palmetto was the way forward.
However,
I also noticed how those who were claiming that Saw Palmetto was harmful, tended to be people who had the exact same story about why they took propecia (i.e. Oh my friend Bob told me about it so I went down to the doctors and got some and hey all my hair grew back), which led me to suspect that these "experiences" were merely being drummed out by marketting teams. Whilst at the same time those who were sharing experiences with Saw Palmetto, tended to be people who were working for herbal remedies companies. So, this led me to become very frustrated as there wasn't any sources I could rely on. In the end I thought to myself, that Propecia was a costly drug which required a prescription, and I wouldn't be able to get it for at least a few more months until I hit 18 anyway, so it was useless to my current predicament, therefore I bought a huge supply of Saw Palmetto.
Anyway, the science behind MPB (Male pattern baldness), is that certain people, usually males, have hair follicles on their head which is susceptible to the bi-product of testosterone called DHT. This DHT will bind with the hair follicle and eventually cause the hairs it produces to shrink in size, and eventually the hair follicle will become inactive and stop produing hairs. What drugs such as Saw Palmetto, Propecia etc do is they inhibit DHT production in the body. Hurray I hear you cheer. However, this isn't a miracle cure for hair loss because DHT is used in the body for other functions, such as maintaining a healthy libido, and digestive health. Therefore drugs such as propecia and SP tend to effect people differently, some people can cope with having lower DHT levels in the body, whereas some people cannot.
However, from my personal experience the experience my friends have had, a lot of these stories are over exaggerated, also drugs such as Finasteride and Saw Palmetto only have adverse sexual side effects in 2% of cases.
Ok anyway; my experiences with Saw Palmetto:
I've been on Saw Palmetto for just under 2 weeks now, so perhaps it is a little early to state side effects in the long term, but i'll explain what's happened to me in the short term:
1.) Libido; I was one of the few people who had their libido affected by Saw Palmetto, however, the side effects aren't as drastic as people make them out to be. However, contrary to popular belief SP doesn't always lower libido, my libido increased somewhat on Saw Palmetto. I've always had a relatively low sex drive and since taking Saw Palmetto it has increased slightly, not hugely, but just moderately. It's not even that noticable a change.
2.) Skin. Now, another reason some people take SP is for acne, I've had pretty bad skin in the past, and since i've been taking SP my skin has cleared up significantly, this is probably the most noticable change i've had, as my skin feels a lot smoother and is very clear in appearance now.
3.) Hair. So far so good. My hair has stopped shedding (basically when I used to run my hands through my hair at least 5 or 6 hairs would come out, and now none come out), and I think there is some regrowth, but its too early to tell yet. My hair feels softer and less "dead" if that makes sense. I've combined SP with heat aversion (i.e. not blow drying) and using sensitive shampoos in order to promote regrowth.
4.) Mood. This one is difficult to explain. Basically i've always been someone who can get overly hyper and happy or a bit down at times, as we all can. I'm not bi-polar but i'm quite passionate emotionally. Anyway since i've taken SP my mood feels incredibly levelled out, I don't get as down as often, and overall I feel a lot calmer in myself.
5.) Nausea. In the first few days of taking SP I had a slight upset stomache as my body got used to it, but after 8 days that passed and i'm now back to normal.
6.) Tiredness. I think on SP I get more tired than I used to, however that could just be workload and I doubt SP has much to do with this.
Other than those listed I have had no other side effects from taking SP, I have no experience of Propecia so i'm not particularly able to comment on that, however from my personal experience SP is relatively cheap to buy, and easy to access. So if anyone is starting to have issues with hair loss I would definitely recommend it.
Love From,
ConfusedGirl17
Wednesday 20 February 2013
Gay Parents / Lesbians IVF - My Opinion.
Dear Diary,
I was flicking through 'The Times' today and what caught my eye was an article about how "deprived" children born to lesbian couples are, due to the fact that they are "fatherless". The article went on to say about children who are brought up without a father go on to a life of crime and poverty etc etc etc.
All of this was sparked by the recent change in the NHS, whereby a lesbian couple, or a woman regardless of sexuality, can seek IVF on the NHS up to the age of 42 now, instead of 39 as it was previously.
My response to this article is surely family is an individual subject, and one should question the quality of the parenting, and the values instilled in the children rather than the biological make-up of the parent. Why should lesbian parents be seen as second-best to the hetero-normative just because there is a lack of an XY chromosome? I find it ridiculous that 'The Times' would publish such an article, condemning lesbian couples because it "dilutes the importance of fatherhood", rather than celebrating the fact that these people who love each other are able to have a children. The article also showed it's ineptitude, as it gave the implication of children being automatically being upright citizens if a father is present in the family dynamic; did the person writing this article live under a rock for the majority of their life? Just because someone has a father does NOT make them a better person, I know people who are brought up in a stereotypical 1950's nuclear family who end up becomming criminals, and in the same respect i know people who have grown up in care who have become well-paid doctors, lawyers etc. Admittedly these are extreme examples but my point is clear.
So, what this comes down to, and what people should really focus on, is rather than condemning an alternative couple taking on the responsibility of parenthood, such a couple should be praised aslong as they are able to suitably raise the child. Sexuality doesn't play a role in how well a child is brought up, it is how the parents raise the child in terms of morals, values and discipline that creates good parents.
From
ConfusedGirl17
I was flicking through 'The Times' today and what caught my eye was an article about how "deprived" children born to lesbian couples are, due to the fact that they are "fatherless". The article went on to say about children who are brought up without a father go on to a life of crime and poverty etc etc etc.
All of this was sparked by the recent change in the NHS, whereby a lesbian couple, or a woman regardless of sexuality, can seek IVF on the NHS up to the age of 42 now, instead of 39 as it was previously.
My response to this article is surely family is an individual subject, and one should question the quality of the parenting, and the values instilled in the children rather than the biological make-up of the parent. Why should lesbian parents be seen as second-best to the hetero-normative just because there is a lack of an XY chromosome? I find it ridiculous that 'The Times' would publish such an article, condemning lesbian couples because it "dilutes the importance of fatherhood", rather than celebrating the fact that these people who love each other are able to have a children. The article also showed it's ineptitude, as it gave the implication of children being automatically being upright citizens if a father is present in the family dynamic; did the person writing this article live under a rock for the majority of their life? Just because someone has a father does NOT make them a better person, I know people who are brought up in a stereotypical 1950's nuclear family who end up becomming criminals, and in the same respect i know people who have grown up in care who have become well-paid doctors, lawyers etc. Admittedly these are extreme examples but my point is clear.
So, what this comes down to, and what people should really focus on, is rather than condemning an alternative couple taking on the responsibility of parenthood, such a couple should be praised aslong as they are able to suitably raise the child. Sexuality doesn't play a role in how well a child is brought up, it is how the parents raise the child in terms of morals, values and discipline that creates good parents.
From
ConfusedGirl17
Boys, Booze and a frustrained Brain
Dear Diary,
Today marks the beginning, the start of a new blog. Yet although this is meant to be a fresh start, i'm still feeling trapped.
Let's backtrack a little, about 2 months or so ago I quickly got out of a rather abusive relationship, long story short the guy manipulated me into doing stuff for him, otherwise he'd tell all my friends that i'm transgender. (Me and gender issues is a complex area, sometimes i'm certain i'm trans, other days I feel content with how I am). Anyway currently i'm with the sweetest guy in the world, and for anonymity's sake lets just call him Chef (because he is the most amazing cook in the world, the downside being i'm going to end up gaining weight being with him). My issue with boys is when i'm in a relationship, my gender issues get put on standby, I try and make myself look more masculine and conform more to the stupid gender stereotypes of this world just to please other people, particularly gay guys. Now this may sound big-headed, but if I put the effort in I can attract gay men, and I do get a lot of attention sometimes. But the real issue is that I don't want that attention, i don't want to be seen as masculine, I want to be seen as a GIRL. So, in short my relationships end up taking this viscious cycle of me being in denial, the relationship going smoothly, the boyfriend eventually finding out that i'm trans by putting two and two together, the relationship ending, and me eventually having to confront my gender issues again. It'd be nice if maybe one day I could just wake up and be a beautiful girl, or maybe if I was just born a girl life would have been so much easier (at least then i'd fit into the gender binary), or better yet if I found a guy I could be honest with about how I feel.
Now, Chef is an amazing guy, he's the sweetest boyfriend I've had so far (I'm currently 17 and i've had 4 relationships one after the other with guys since I was about 13), the only issue that will eventually mess everything up is gender. How do you tell a guy that you want to be a girl? Or what about if I do end up transitioning and end up "passing" as a girl (I can pass but it takes a LOT of effort), how do I tell the guy that I used to be a guy? It all just creates so much drama. Would I be better if I just stopped looking for love and became content being on my own?
Ok next area of concern; booze. Well, it's not really booze, i'm not an alcoholic, or alcohol dependant, to be honest I don't even like drinking, I hate the taste unless it's alcopops. My main area of concern is that i'm a real light-weight, i.e. if I have more than two drinks I end up spilling the truth to people. It's like drinking opens the flood-gates and suddenly all my trans issues that I bottle up just come pouring out. I've had more than one occasion at parties where i've ended up crying to a friend about how I feel, or even worse at parties where less people know me, when i've ended up making out with a boy because i've passed really well, and i've had to flee quickly before he realises i'm a guy.
Ok that last sentence made me sound so promiscuous. But i'm really not, although i'm not that "normal", and I have a quite quirky nature i'm pretty "Moral" (ugh that word makes me sound like a religious studies teacher). I mean, I only drink occasionally, I don't binge drink (it's just sadly when I do drink I can't really handle my drink very well), I've never touched recreational drugs, and as for loose sex and promiscuity, well to be honest I have the sexual knowledge and interest as a dead rotting penguin. Sex really doesn't feature high on my agena, in a relationship i'm only really after romance and mutual companionship. Am I really turning into an old woman before my time?
Lastly; frustration. I am frustrated, with many little things. I'm frustrated that i've "come out" over the last few years to different friends, yet half of those "friends" have rejected me or used my secret against me, and at the same time i'm unable to come out to my parents. It's not that my parent's are overly conservative or zealous in religion, they're very liberal, when I came out as "gay" in order to avoid suspicions about my femininity they were fine with it, it's just being trans is something that is less understood by society and I fear for how they'd react, so i'm waiting to see if i'm really sure about how I feel before I tell them.
As for "transitioning", i'm at a bit of a stand-still. Currently i'm not really on any anti-androgens or oestrogen or any other hormone supplment yet (I tried taking spiro once but chickened out after the second dose, plus i'd never self-medicate).
I have made some little progress though, i've started buying some more androgynous clothing, which thankfully helps a lot, luckily i'm not one of these guys with a huge forehead or nose or chin, my shoulders aren't awfully broad and i'm about average to short height for a guy. My one big issue is my hair, which sadly began to recede a bit a few months ago so I had to abandon my femme haircut with the tear-drop fringe, but i'm working on reversing that. I began taking Saw Palmetto extract the other week which has helped a lot in terms of improving my appearance. My hair is growing back quickly and my skin has cleared up loads. (cheer).
Anyway, this post has pretty much tailed off, and my eyebrows are beginning to look like twin chipmunks that have nestled on my brow-line, so I have to go see to that.
But I will write more at a later date.
Love from
ConfusedGirl17
xxx
Today marks the beginning, the start of a new blog. Yet although this is meant to be a fresh start, i'm still feeling trapped.
Let's backtrack a little, about 2 months or so ago I quickly got out of a rather abusive relationship, long story short the guy manipulated me into doing stuff for him, otherwise he'd tell all my friends that i'm transgender. (Me and gender issues is a complex area, sometimes i'm certain i'm trans, other days I feel content with how I am). Anyway currently i'm with the sweetest guy in the world, and for anonymity's sake lets just call him Chef (because he is the most amazing cook in the world, the downside being i'm going to end up gaining weight being with him). My issue with boys is when i'm in a relationship, my gender issues get put on standby, I try and make myself look more masculine and conform more to the stupid gender stereotypes of this world just to please other people, particularly gay guys. Now this may sound big-headed, but if I put the effort in I can attract gay men, and I do get a lot of attention sometimes. But the real issue is that I don't want that attention, i don't want to be seen as masculine, I want to be seen as a GIRL. So, in short my relationships end up taking this viscious cycle of me being in denial, the relationship going smoothly, the boyfriend eventually finding out that i'm trans by putting two and two together, the relationship ending, and me eventually having to confront my gender issues again. It'd be nice if maybe one day I could just wake up and be a beautiful girl, or maybe if I was just born a girl life would have been so much easier (at least then i'd fit into the gender binary), or better yet if I found a guy I could be honest with about how I feel.
Now, Chef is an amazing guy, he's the sweetest boyfriend I've had so far (I'm currently 17 and i've had 4 relationships one after the other with guys since I was about 13), the only issue that will eventually mess everything up is gender. How do you tell a guy that you want to be a girl? Or what about if I do end up transitioning and end up "passing" as a girl (I can pass but it takes a LOT of effort), how do I tell the guy that I used to be a guy? It all just creates so much drama. Would I be better if I just stopped looking for love and became content being on my own?
Ok next area of concern; booze. Well, it's not really booze, i'm not an alcoholic, or alcohol dependant, to be honest I don't even like drinking, I hate the taste unless it's alcopops. My main area of concern is that i'm a real light-weight, i.e. if I have more than two drinks I end up spilling the truth to people. It's like drinking opens the flood-gates and suddenly all my trans issues that I bottle up just come pouring out. I've had more than one occasion at parties where i've ended up crying to a friend about how I feel, or even worse at parties where less people know me, when i've ended up making out with a boy because i've passed really well, and i've had to flee quickly before he realises i'm a guy.
Ok that last sentence made me sound so promiscuous. But i'm really not, although i'm not that "normal", and I have a quite quirky nature i'm pretty "Moral" (ugh that word makes me sound like a religious studies teacher). I mean, I only drink occasionally, I don't binge drink (it's just sadly when I do drink I can't really handle my drink very well), I've never touched recreational drugs, and as for loose sex and promiscuity, well to be honest I have the sexual knowledge and interest as a dead rotting penguin. Sex really doesn't feature high on my agena, in a relationship i'm only really after romance and mutual companionship. Am I really turning into an old woman before my time?
Lastly; frustration. I am frustrated, with many little things. I'm frustrated that i've "come out" over the last few years to different friends, yet half of those "friends" have rejected me or used my secret against me, and at the same time i'm unable to come out to my parents. It's not that my parent's are overly conservative or zealous in religion, they're very liberal, when I came out as "gay" in order to avoid suspicions about my femininity they were fine with it, it's just being trans is something that is less understood by society and I fear for how they'd react, so i'm waiting to see if i'm really sure about how I feel before I tell them.
As for "transitioning", i'm at a bit of a stand-still. Currently i'm not really on any anti-androgens or oestrogen or any other hormone supplment yet (I tried taking spiro once but chickened out after the second dose, plus i'd never self-medicate).
I have made some little progress though, i've started buying some more androgynous clothing, which thankfully helps a lot, luckily i'm not one of these guys with a huge forehead or nose or chin, my shoulders aren't awfully broad and i'm about average to short height for a guy. My one big issue is my hair, which sadly began to recede a bit a few months ago so I had to abandon my femme haircut with the tear-drop fringe, but i'm working on reversing that. I began taking Saw Palmetto extract the other week which has helped a lot in terms of improving my appearance. My hair is growing back quickly and my skin has cleared up loads. (cheer).
Anyway, this post has pretty much tailed off, and my eyebrows are beginning to look like twin chipmunks that have nestled on my brow-line, so I have to go see to that.
But I will write more at a later date.
Love from
ConfusedGirl17
xxx
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