Self-loathing

Dear Blog,

Today gender dysphoria hit me again like a tonne of bricks. I hate the way it keeps coming and going, it creates a sickening see-saw effects where I don't know when i'm next going to be crippled by it.

I had the house to myself after high school for several hours. I quickly ran upstairs and prepped my face for make-up (dressing while i'm alone is like a type of therapy for me lately, it makes me feel better). I changed into simplistic clothing, a tight-fitting 3/4 length sleeve top with black sequins, skinny blue jean, and my brown wavy wig. I spent the best part of 40 minutes doing my make-up as it always takes a while to hide the masculinity...

But today dressing just didn't help me, well not as much as it usually does. I stepped back and looked at myself in the floor length mirror and I just hated myself. Hate might be a strong word. I don't hate myself, I just hate my body. It all feels like some cruel sadistic joke that i'm stuck like this whilst everyone else gets to be at least content with their physical sex.

I looked into the mirror, I looked passable, just, if I squinted I looked decent. But on closer inspection I could see all the imperfections; the slightly too-broad shoulders, the few inches too tall build, the nose, the forehead, the chin, the hands, the feet, the shadow peeking through under the foundation, the eyebrows (which no matter what I do still present a masculine vibe).

I just feel so... tired. It just takes so much effort to even feel barely content with myself. I'm so sick of going into high school every day looking so... masculine. I hate having lessons with other girls, where I can just see how perfect some of them are, especially compared to me. They could get any guy they wanted and i'm just stuck as I am.

It's days like these where I feel even lower and I think to myself; Why do I even bother? Even if I did look passable post-transition i'd still be unnattractive, i'd still be too big and broad, I'd never attract a guy, and even if I did it'd just be some fetishist who had a thing for transgirls, and even if he was a nice guy he might leave me if I told him the truth. I can't do anything to change having a Y chromosome, i'm reminded of that constantly in biology lessons.

I may put on a happy face, but it's only so people don't have to put up with how numb I feel, and how jealous I am.

Anyway i'm going to move onto happier topics, maybe i'll bake a cake tonight, or go internet shopping. Retail therapy always helps.

Anyway I must be off, I'll write more later on.

Love From

ConfusedGirl17