Gender Dysphoria

Dear Diary,

Whenever I go on the internet looking for stories about transpeople (particularly MTF transitions), I always come across huge long monologues about how gender dysphoria appears to be this constant drudgery that makes a person's life unbearable, and from what I have read, many of the stories depict gender dysphoria has an omnipresent mindset, i.e. the person always feels miserable about their gender.

This is where my dilemna occurs; I don't always feel gender dysphoric. By this I don't mean I ever want to be a boy, because I don't. What I mean is that for me, gender dysphoria isn't this huge dark cloud which engulfs my every waking moment. Some days I wake up and I hate who I see in the mirror, and I become desperate to transition. But some days I find that i'm not too bothered by how I am, i'm never 'happy' being a 'guy', but instead I adopt a more emotionally neutral perspective, and just get on with my day.

This in turn leads me to doubt myself, because i'm constantly thinking "Well what if i'm not really trans?" "I can't be trans because if I was trans i'd hate myself more" "Is transitioning really for me?". And so in turn this leads to me having a dark cloud of depression, albeit a different one to gender dysphoria, because I am being depressed about not being depressed enough about my situation. And that makes me feel more depressed because i'm depressed about not being depressed. (Reader please note the implied viscious cycle and repeated use of the word depressed... Sucks right?)

Another issue which plays on my mind is the concept of how long i've known. I made the realisation little over two years ago, which doesn't fill me with confidence when I read all these stories about transgendered individuals aparently realising they were transgender when they were fresh out of the womb. I know that sounds a bit of a nasty jibe and I don't mean it to be, but sometimes when one hears a story which holds such conviction that they have always constantly felt this way for years, one has a niggling doubt in ones head about whether or not the story is exaggerated in order to attract more interest from the reader.

Does it make me less of a woman just because i've taken a little longer to realise that I am a woman? (It took me until I was 7 before I could tie my laces... I've always been a bit slow on the uptake)

So, the rhetorical question I put forward is; do we have to hate ourselves and feel miserable constantly in order to prove to ourselves and know in ourselves that we are transgendered? Or can one be content with not completely despising ones self and instead allow oneself a day off in order to enjoy life rather than letting their gender identity engulf their being? And does one need to have had gender dysphoria as a lifelong companion before one can realise whether they truly are transgender?

From,

ConfusedGirl17