Boys, Booze and a frustrained Brain

Dear Diary,

Today marks the beginning, the start of a new blog. Yet although this is meant to be a fresh start, i'm still feeling trapped.

Let's backtrack a little, about 2 months or so ago I quickly got out of a rather abusive relationship, long story short the guy manipulated me into doing stuff for him, otherwise he'd tell all my friends that i'm transgender. (Me and gender issues is a complex area, sometimes i'm certain i'm trans, other days I feel content with how I am). Anyway currently i'm with the sweetest guy in the world, and for anonymity's sake lets just call him Chef (because he is the most amazing cook in the world, the downside being i'm going to end up gaining weight being with him). My issue with boys is when i'm in a relationship, my gender issues get put on standby, I try and make myself look more masculine and conform more to the stupid gender stereotypes of this world just to please other people, particularly gay guys. Now this may sound big-headed, but if I put the effort in I can attract gay men, and I do get a lot of attention sometimes. But the real issue is that I don't want that attention, i don't want to be seen as masculine, I want to be seen as a GIRL. So, in short my relationships end up taking this viscious cycle of me being in denial, the relationship going smoothly, the boyfriend eventually finding out that i'm trans by putting two and two together, the relationship ending, and me eventually having to confront my gender issues again. It'd be nice if maybe one day I could just wake up and be a beautiful girl, or maybe if I was just born a girl life would have been so much easier (at least then i'd fit into the gender binary), or better yet if I found a guy I could be honest with about how I feel.

Now, Chef is an amazing guy, he's the sweetest boyfriend I've had so far (I'm currently 17 and i've had 4 relationships one after the other with guys since I was about 13), the only issue that will eventually mess everything up is gender. How do you tell a guy that you want to be a girl? Or what about if I do end up transitioning and end up "passing" as a girl (I can pass but it takes a LOT of effort), how do I tell the guy that I used to be a guy? It all just creates so much drama. Would I be better if I just stopped looking for love and became content being on my own?

Ok next area of concern; booze. Well, it's not really booze, i'm not an alcoholic, or alcohol dependant, to be honest I don't even like drinking, I hate the taste unless it's alcopops. My main area of concern is that i'm a real light-weight, i.e. if I have more than two drinks I end up spilling the truth to people. It's like drinking opens the flood-gates and suddenly all my trans issues that I bottle up just come pouring out. I've had more than one occasion at parties where i've ended up crying to a friend about how I feel, or even worse at parties where less people know me, when i've ended up making out with a boy because i've passed really well, and i've had to flee quickly before he realises i'm a guy.

Ok that last sentence made me sound so promiscuous. But i'm really not, although i'm not that "normal", and I have a quite quirky nature i'm pretty "Moral" (ugh that word makes me sound like a religious studies teacher). I mean, I only drink occasionally, I don't binge drink (it's just sadly when I do drink I can't really handle my drink very well), I've never touched recreational drugs, and as for loose sex and promiscuity, well to be honest I have the sexual knowledge and interest as a dead rotting penguin. Sex really doesn't feature high on my agena, in a relationship i'm only really after romance and mutual companionship. Am I really turning into an old woman before my time?

Lastly; frustration. I am frustrated, with many little things. I'm frustrated that i've "come out" over the last few years to different friends, yet half of those "friends" have rejected me or used my secret against me, and at the same time i'm unable to come out to my parents. It's not that my parent's are overly conservative or zealous in religion, they're very liberal, when I came out as "gay" in order to avoid suspicions about my femininity they were fine with it, it's just being trans is something that is less understood by society and I fear for how they'd react, so i'm waiting to see if i'm really sure about how I feel before I tell them.

As for "transitioning", i'm at a bit of a stand-still. Currently i'm not really on any anti-androgens or oestrogen or any other hormone supplment yet (I tried taking spiro once but chickened out after the second dose, plus i'd never self-medicate).

I have made some little progress though, i've started buying some more androgynous clothing, which thankfully helps a lot, luckily i'm not one of these guys with a huge forehead or nose or chin, my shoulders aren't awfully broad and i'm about average to short height for a guy. My one big issue is my hair, which sadly began to recede a bit a few months ago so I had to abandon my femme haircut with the tear-drop fringe, but i'm working on reversing that. I began taking Saw Palmetto extract the other week which has helped a lot in terms of improving my appearance. My hair is growing back quickly and my skin has cleared up loads. (cheer).

Anyway, this post has pretty much tailed off, and my eyebrows are beginning to look like twin chipmunks that have nestled on my brow-line, so I have to go see to that.

But I will write more at a later date.

Love from

ConfusedGirl17

xxx